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Nov 15, 2019
11/19
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stephen colbert. >> stephen: you're going to talk. you're going to talk. ( applause ) did you go seize these films -- did you go see these films? yes, you can rent them at home but these are films you want to see on the big screen. >> yes. >> stephen: did you go to see it? >> i went up to connecticut, my son is in boarding school, i went up there, i got all his friends we could fit into the car and that's like five kids stacked on top of each other. >> stephen: like cord wood, yeah. >> i put a hoodie on like them, so it was me in my hoodie and ten kids in eir hoodies. >> stephen: that doesn't look suspicious. >> no. ( laughter ) i snuck, i sat down, the place was packed, and it was all >>this?-- was this end game or infinity war? >> infinity war. >> stephen: okay. we watch the movie, it ends, everyone disappears. some kid jumps up on the back of his chair a few rows back, tears his shirt off, he's, like, what is this? thilet's tear this place apart! these kids, they're all crying. >> stephen: oh... and i just -- my hoodie just got lit
stephen colbert. >> stephen: you're going to talk. you're going to talk. ( applause ) did you go seize these films -- did you go see these films? yes, you can rent them at home but these are films you want to see on the big screen. >> yes. >> stephen: did you go to see it? >> i went up to connecticut, my son is in boarding school, i went up there, i got all his friends we could fit into the car and that's like five kids stacked on top of each other. >> stephen:...
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Apr 16, 2019
04/19
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>> stephen: no, phil can seven. >> by the lovely stephen colbert. >> stephen: yes. we did 100 scenes together and never met. >> never in the same room. >> stephen: because it's animation. when i saw you at the "veep" premiere. i said i'm so glad to finally meet you and you said we've actually met. >> we have met. >> stephen: and i said where? and you said, let's save it for the interview. so here it is, where did we meet imeet? ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> we met in aspen, colorado. you were the featured event that the final aspen comedy festival. >> stephen: i'm the one who killed it. >> you closed it. >> stephen: i killed it. yeah. >> stephen: i was entertainer of the year, big man of the mountsen there on the mountain. >> i was actually going skiing and you were off to do press somewhere, and we crossed paths and said, oh, we did harvey birdman together and that's where we met. but it was brief. >> stephen: oh. ( laughter ) i'm glad you saved that story. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, the final season of "veep" is coming up. it's hard to believe that we've come to
>> stephen: no, phil can seven. >> by the lovely stephen colbert. >> stephen: yes. we did 100 scenes together and never met. >> never in the same room. >> stephen: because it's animation. when i saw you at the "veep" premiere. i said i'm so glad to finally meet you and you said we've actually met. >> we have met. >> stephen: and i said where? and you said, let's save it for the interview. so here it is, where did we meet imeet? ( laughter ) (...
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Aug 16, 2019
08/19
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. >> stephen: did you have a son? >> y e. >> stephen: name him trysten? ennis. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're an executive producer of a show with an interesting name, "on becoming a god in central florida." that's a heck of a title. >> you could call it "on becoming a god" as well. >> stephen: that's also odd. so what does that mean? >> what does that mean? what do you think it means? it's, like, the american dream, like, what you -- you know -- >> stephen: but the american dream is not to become a god, though, is it?e1 >> money and to rise to power and it's about the falsehead of the american dream and this ponzi scheme in the '90s which is kind of like an amway or an herbal life kind of thing. >> stephenit >> it's not. it's not exactly true s. >>en story. ( laughter ) >> oh, god -- >> stephen: do you want a lawyer present before you answer these questions? ( applause ) i likely feel like i should swear you in before you answer the rest of these. i'm so sorry. and who were you in this? >> i play crystal stubs. >> stephen: are you the god? i become a --
. >> stephen: did you have a son? >> y e. >> stephen: name him trysten? ennis. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're an executive producer of a show with an interesting name, "on becoming a god in central florida." that's a heck of a title. >> you could call it "on becoming a god" as well. >> stephen: that's also odd. so what does that mean? >> what does that mean? what do you think it means? it's, like, the american dream, like, what you...
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Nov 2, 2019
11/19
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to have you here, stephen. >> stephen: unbelievable. you have the greatest band. >> that band is pretty good. i've been working with these guys. >> stephen: without a doubt. >> so you've been hosting "the late show"" for four years. >> stephen: yeah, since-- just about four years, yeah. >> number one, is there any pressure to stay number one? >> stephen: no, it just comes naturally ( laughter ). >> it's just in you. >> stephen: i don't even think about it. >> so the question i have, and i'm sure the audience has, is there anything... that you won't do to stay number one? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i will not admit to committing a crime. ( laughter ) >> i can understand that. i can understand that. so... ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes, yeah. i will not harm-- i don't want to harm anybody. >> so i want to ask you a personal question. >> stephen: a real personal question? >> you're married, right? >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ). >> how long have you been married? >> stephen: i have been married for 25 years. >> 25 years. ( applause ) >> stephe
to have you here, stephen. >> stephen: unbelievable. you have the greatest band. >> that band is pretty good. i've been working with these guys. >> stephen: without a doubt. >> so you've been hosting "the late show"" for four years. >> stephen: yeah, since-- just about four years, yeah. >> number one, is there any pressure to stay number one? >> stephen: no, it just comes naturally ( laughter ). >> it's just in you. >>...
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Jun 20, 2019
06/19
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. >> stephen: nope. >> no. >> stephen: nope? these are all very good performers, by the way. ( laughter ) any of these people? >> i know him. >> stephen: which one, him? >> chris. >> stephen: yes. >> i've met him. ( bell rings ) and he's from "the office." >> stephen: who? >> he's from "the office." >> stephen: what's his name? >> chris pratt. >> stephen: right ( bell rings ) ( applause ) and who's this? what's his name? here's a hint. >> chris. >> stephen: his name's chris. his name's chris. what do you imagine the other two names are. >> chris evans? >> >> stephen: yes! >> okay. >> stephen: lastly, who's this? >> uh... >> stephen: he loves quaker oats. ( laughter ) he was in-- >> i don't know his name. but i -- >> stephen: you name. >> no. >> stephen: he's got the diabetes. ( laughter ) no-- no, tig, you don't know his name there, tig. >> i prefer to call it see your show. ( applause ) tig, nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: "under a rock with tig notaro," is on "funny or die." it's not a tv termites, feast
. >> stephen: nope. >> no. >> stephen: nope? these are all very good performers, by the way. ( laughter ) any of these people? >> i know him. >> stephen: which one, him? >> chris. >> stephen: yes. >> i've met him. ( bell rings ) and he's from "the office." >> stephen: who? >> he's from "the office." >> stephen: what's his name? >> chris pratt. >> stephen: right ( bell rings ) ( applause ) and who's...
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Oct 23, 2019
10/19
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stephen, shhhh! >> stephen: i-- i haven't asked you anything yet. >> i know, and your facts are all wrong. so shhh! so shhhhush it! zip it! and ask me a question. >> stephen: okay. mr. mayor, how do you respond to critics who say that you were traveling the world pushing debunked conspiracies as part of a scheme to help the president's re-election? >> that's ridiculous, stephen. i was simply bringing the american people the truth about the bidens! and that's not all. ( laughter ) i now have reason to believe that the 2016 election was not hacked by the russians. it was hacked by hunter biden, who is actually a "men in black" style alien, being operated by a tiny hillary clinton in his neck. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: okay. wow. that's a bold assertion. that is-- that is. sir, that's a bold assertion. do you have any proof of that? >> not yet. or ever. ( laughter ) i'm not falling into the proof trap! >> stephen: well... what exactly were you doing with ambassador sondland and rick perry? >
stephen, shhhh! >> stephen: i-- i haven't asked you anything yet. >> i know, and your facts are all wrong. so shhh! so shhhhush it! zip it! and ask me a question. >> stephen: okay. mr. mayor, how do you respond to critics who say that you were traveling the world pushing debunked conspiracies as part of a scheme to help the president's re-election? >> that's ridiculous, stephen. i was simply bringing the american people the truth about the bidens! and that's not all. (...
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Oct 30, 2019
10/19
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>> stephen: i don't know. she seemed very nice. >> yeah, she was great. >> stephen: anybody call you tom? >> tom, tommy, tim bells. >> stephen: does anybody call you thomas or is it strictly professional? >> people call me all the varieties of thomas and tom. >> stephen: to your family what are you? >> tom. "hello, tom." >> stephen: are you english? >> i'm not, but they are. my impressions of my father eye have about only a couple of things i can get right. one, when he's mad. he'll be like trying to get photo, and he'll just say like, "put on a proper smile, tom!" because i'll be like... you know? ( laughter ) and then -- >> stephen: what's the other. >> when i haven't done that, he'll just say "oh, sod it!" and the last one is, "hands off your penis, tom!" ( laughter ) and that's not a jeek. >> stephen: you're like, "i'm trying to give you a proper smile." yeah. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> well done, colbert! >> stephen: sixth and final season of "silicon valley." here we are. you guys have alrea
>> stephen: i don't know. she seemed very nice. >> yeah, she was great. >> stephen: anybody call you tom? >> tom, tommy, tim bells. >> stephen: does anybody call you thomas or is it strictly professional? >> people call me all the varieties of thomas and tom. >> stephen: to your family what are you? >> tom. "hello, tom." >> stephen: are you english? >> i'm not, but they are. my impressions of my father eye have about only a...
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Oct 9, 2019
10/19
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>> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: no, no. >> yeah. >> stephen: no. no. >> yeah. >> stephen: why? >> yeah. >> stephen: why? whose idea was that? was that your idea? >> these guys are called "yes theory." i've been on social media, and i'm really loving social media, and i got challenged. they say, "will smith, we challenge you to bungee jumping." me, i got challenged. i'm like, "i ain't scared. i ain't scared." i not only-- i'll call your bungee jump and we'll do it over the grand canyon! and i was like, yeah. i towed them. and then, like, the date came. ( laughter ) i was like, "oh, no." i was like-- it actually was-- was probably the scariest thing i've done in, like, 25 years. the-- i wanted to not know anything, right. i wanted to do it and i wanted to do it live. so i didn't do rehearsals, anything like that. >> stephen: you had never bungee jumped before? >> i had never bungee jumped. i wanted to go and let it happen. and i walked out there and got on the helicopter and i thought i was gog get in. and they said, "no, no, you can't get in. you have to stand on the outside whe
>> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: no, no. >> yeah. >> stephen: no. no. >> yeah. >> stephen: why? >> yeah. >> stephen: why? whose idea was that? was that your idea? >> these guys are called "yes theory." i've been on social media, and i'm really loving social media, and i got challenged. they say, "will smith, we challenge you to bungee jumping." me, i got challenged. i'm like, "i ain't scared. i ain't scared." i not...
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Jul 26, 2019
07/19
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>> stephen: hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: nice to see ya! the graphic seems to be lifted from an anti-trump website, which replaces the normal latin banner that reads "e pluribus unum" with one that reads "45 es un titere," which in spanish translates to "45 is a puppet." ( applause ) then again -- then again -- ( cheers and applause ) -- trump can't be expected to know spanish, but it's something our future president beto o'rourke would've known instantly. ( laughter ) i love that trump entered a room full of teenagers and gotñr tro@l (as trump) "i'm telling you, the teens, they love me. they invited me to join the pen15 club. ( laughter ) turns out, this wasn't a practical joke, it was just pure, uncut stupid. because a spokesman for the organizers said the fake seal was the result of a rushed online search. ( audience reacts ) "uh -- uh -- sorry -- ( laughter ) -- i kept looking for the presidential seal, but all i can find is a supreme court walrus." ( laughter ) this a major blunder. as one former bush staffer puts it, "to let someone
>> stephen: hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: nice to see ya! the graphic seems to be lifted from an anti-trump website, which replaces the normal latin banner that reads "e pluribus unum" with one that reads "45 es un titere," which in spanish translates to "45 is a puppet." ( applause ) then again -- then again -- ( cheers and applause ) -- trump can't be expected to know spanish, but it's something our future president beto o'rourke would've known...
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Apr 25, 2019
04/19
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( cheers and applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow, double-- you're too kind. thank you very much. you know who they should save that chanting for is our guest tonight, jon, emilia clark, the queen of dragons. ( cheers and applause ) mother of dragons. >> jon: "game of thrones." >> stephen: queen targaryen out there. very exciting. do you watch that show, jon? the "game of thrones." >> jon: yeah, i've seen the advertisements for the show. ( laughter ) >> stephen: good enough! good enough. you get the idea. >> jon: yeah, i got the idea. >> stephen: you have seen advertisements. what do you think the idea of the show is? >> jon: it's about royalty and dragons and beheadings. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's pretty good-- that's the "cliffs notes" right there. >> jon: yeah, covers it all. that's all they did, back in the day. >laugeth's tonighteneaf teon summary, with your ho, jon batist ( laughter ) ( applause ) there you go. >> jon: there you go, clean. >> stephen: you know, i spend so much time breaking down al
( cheers and applause ) >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow, double-- you're too kind. thank you very much. you know who they should save that chanting for is our guest tonight, jon, emilia clark, the queen of dragons. ( cheers and applause ) mother of dragons. >> jon: "game of thrones." >> stephen: queen targaryen out there. very exciting. do you watch that show, jon? the "game of thrones." >> jon: yeah, i've seen the...
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Aug 9, 2019
08/19
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>> stephen: yeah. i really enjoy it. >> stephen: clearly. i write my own material. it was all written by me. >> stephen: my understanding is you were on tonight, on every single late night show in one night. >> all in one night. tonight, august 8. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. house of your summer, by the way? >> which is a joyous summertime -- it's the happiest day to have the summer. >> stephen: exactly. i have any summertime scarf on and my cashmere turtleneck. >> stephen: it's so important in august to keep the throat warm. >> oh, my gosh, and i've had it on all day so this is wreaking. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have been on all the shows. >> yes. >> stephen: all the shows tonight simultaneously. who's your favorite? >> my favorite late night host, and it's got to be christiana napor. she's so funny and very highly intellectual. >> stephen: sure. but you're in my top five, stephen. really appreciate it, yeah. >> stephen: sure, sure. so speaking of hosts, everybody -- the king of the mountain fo
>> stephen: yeah. i really enjoy it. >> stephen: clearly. i write my own material. it was all written by me. >> stephen: my understanding is you were on tonight, on every single late night show in one night. >> all in one night. tonight, august 8. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. house of your summer, by the way? >> which is a joyous summertime -- it's the happiest day to have the summer. >> stephen: exactly. i have any summertime scarf on and my cashmere...
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Aug 30, 2019
08/19
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. >> stephen: what's the whoa? >> come on, stephen! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know what the whoa is. >> i'll toss it up to you. >> okay. the whoa. toss it. >> ready? >> we have a lot of different ones. ♪ ♪ >> face the audience. >> i know that one. it's like... >> yeah, you have to, like... >> stephen: what do i do? >> give me a long one! >> toss it, toss it. >> hey! >> hey! >> here, toss it up!ppuse ) toss it up! >> stephen: hit me. hit me >> yay! ( cheers and applause ) >> that was so good! that was so good! ♪ ♪ >> whoa! >> toss it up! toss it up! i dropped it. hang on. >> toss me one. toss me one. ♪ ♪ >> hey! ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm open. >> okay. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ >> medic! medic! >> stephen: "good boys" is in theaters august 16. brady noon, jacob tremblay, and keith l. williams, everybody! we'll be right back. well well well, what have we here? a magical place...that's lookin' to get scared! halloween time is back in disneyland and disney california adventure parks!... >> stephen: now stick around for jam
. >> stephen: what's the whoa? >> come on, stephen! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know what the whoa is. >> i'll toss it up to you. >> okay. the whoa. toss it. >> ready? >> we have a lot of different ones. ♪ ♪ >> face the audience. >> i know that one. it's like... >> yeah, you have to, like... >> stephen: what do i do? >> give me a long one! >> toss it, toss it. >> hey! >> hey! >> here, toss...
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Oct 25, 2019
10/19
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>> no. >> stephen: never? hm-um. >> stephen: did you whenever it was on? >> no. >> stephen: why? it was a pretty good show. >> sometimes a cast would get together and we would watch it together and that was really fun, but, no, i tend not to do that. >> stephen: ever, do you watch your movies or anything like that? i'm curious. >> no. >> stephen: you've never watched one of your movies? >> if i had been in ""shawshank" redemption" i would watch that because i always watch "shawshank" redemption when it's on. >> stephen: would you like to see it with me because i've never seen it. >> you're kidding me! >> stephen: no, never seen ""shawshank"." i don't know why. i want to see it with the right guy. ( laughter ) that would be fun. i want to see it with you and me and morgan freeman and tim robbins and go, this is pretty good! >> what were you guys thinkg when you shot this scene? ( laughter ) no, i don't tend to watch -- >> stephen: me with the kids? no, ehear from car. >> stephen: have you been in things your kids don't know you're in, like you have been a voice in something and yo
>> no. >> stephen: never? hm-um. >> stephen: did you whenever it was on? >> no. >> stephen: why? it was a pretty good show. >> sometimes a cast would get together and we would watch it together and that was really fun, but, no, i tend not to do that. >> stephen: ever, do you watch your movies or anything like that? i'm curious. >> no. >> stephen: you've never watched one of your movies? >> if i had been in ""shawshank"...
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Dec 4, 2019
12/19
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>> no. >> stephen: never? >> hm-um, no. >> stephen: did you when it was on? >> no. >> stephen: why? it was a pretty good show. >> well, sometimes the cast would get together and we would watch it together and that was really fun, but, no, i tend not to do that. >> stephen: ever, do you watch your movies or anything like that? i know that's kind of like a hackneyed, talk show, do you watch your movies, but i'm curious, do you ever watch your movies? >> no. >> stephen: you've never watched one of your movies? >> if i had been in "shawshank redemption" i would watch that because i always watch "shawshank redemption" when it's on. >> stephen: you know what, would you like to see "shawshank redemption" with me because i've never seen "shawshank redemption." >> you're kidding me! >> stephen: nope, never seen "shawshank." i don't know how. i've got this hole in my knowledge of things. and i've kind of kept it that way now. >> oh, wow. >> stephen: because i want to see it under the right-- i want to see it with the right guy. ( laughter ) that would be fun. i want to see it with you and me
>> no. >> stephen: never? >> hm-um, no. >> stephen: did you when it was on? >> no. >> stephen: why? it was a pretty good show. >> well, sometimes the cast would get together and we would watch it together and that was really fun, but, no, i tend not to do that. >> stephen: ever, do you watch your movies or anything like that? i know that's kind of like a hackneyed, talk show, do you watch your movies, but i'm curious, do you ever watch your...
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Apr 3, 2019
04/19
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>> stephen: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow, double-- you're too kind. thank you very much. you know who they should save that chanting for, our guest tonight, jon, emilia clark, the queen of dragons. queen targaryen. have you seen it, jon, "game of thrones." >> jon: i've seen the advertisements of the show. >> stephen: good enough. you have seen advertisements. what do you think the idea of the show is? >> jon: it's about royalty and dragons and beheadings. >> stephen: that's pretty good-- that's the "cliffs notes" right there. >> jon: covers it all. that's all they did back in the day. >> stephen: yeah. that's tonight, seven years of televisi summary,h your host, jon batiste. ( laughter ) ( applause ) there you go. >> jon: there you go, clean. >> stephen: you know, i spend so much time breaking down all the big sides of news beef for you, but sometimes i like to take a minute to grind up the hooves and mix the news-keratin into my downmarket shampoo of a segment: "meanwhile." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: everybody-- meanwhile, nasa wants to stud
>> stephen: stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow, double-- you're too kind. thank you very much. you know who they should save that chanting for, our guest tonight, jon, emilia clark, the queen of dragons. queen targaryen. have you seen it, jon, "game of thrones." >> jon: i've seen the advertisements of the show. >> stephen: good enough. you have seen advertisements. what do you think the idea of the show is? >> jon: it's about royalty and dragons...
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Nov 7, 2019
11/19
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that. >> stephen: what? >> your blood is in it. >> stephen: i'm the only one eating this. >> unsanitary. >> use this. >> stephen: okay. obviously i didn't actually just cut myself, i'm joking. >> no, he's not. >> stephen: no, it's-- i'm feeling the book is master chef, jr. bakes it is available now, cory, reme and che, everybody sths' it for late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dr. phil, chris parnell an a performance by king princess. stick around for james corden. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪
that. >> stephen: what? >> your blood is in it. >> stephen: i'm the only one eating this. >> unsanitary. >> use this. >> stephen: okay. obviously i didn't actually just cut myself, i'm joking. >> no, he's not. >> stephen: no, it's-- i'm feeling the book is master chef, jr. bakes it is available now, cory, reme and che, everybody sths' it for late show, everybody, tune in tomorrow when my guests will be dr. phil, chris parnell an a performance by...
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Jan 4, 2019
01/19
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. >> stephen: i'm stephen coal- bert. i'm stephen coal-bert, really. ( laughter ) wake me up in the middle of the night and slap me across the face, i'm steve coal-bert. >> i see. >> stephen: are you mike douglas? >> doug-lass. ( laughter ) >> stephen: doug-lass. magnifique! ( speaking french ) well, welcome back to cbs. >> cool. >> stephen: because you-- i know that you started your career here. >> i started my career, right. "cbs playhouse." >> stephen: yeah, and we have a little clip here of you in the "cbs playhouse." >> oh, j. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, now, sit down. sit down, mister. >> here we go. >> stephen: i take you back to 1969. the film is "hail hero." the "new york times" said, "not an especially memorable performance. ( laughter ) ...but it's an energetic one. and without douglas, 'hail hero' would not even be tolerable." ( laughter ) that's a compliment. >> that was my four-star review. that was it. >> stephen: you make things tolerable. ( laughter ) >> i make them tolerable. >> stephen: that's how goo
. >> stephen: i'm stephen coal- bert. i'm stephen coal-bert, really. ( laughter ) wake me up in the middle of the night and slap me across the face, i'm steve coal-bert. >> i see. >> stephen: are you mike douglas? >> doug-lass. ( laughter ) >> stephen: doug-lass. magnifique! ( speaking french ) well, welcome back to cbs. >> cool. >> stephen: because you-- i know that you started your career here. >> i started my career, right. "cbs...
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Aug 17, 2019
08/19
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back to you, stephen. >> stephen: thanks, steve! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with governor chris christie! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) messes with sprays. tough try new clean freak! it has three times the cleaning power to dissolve kitchen grease on contact. it works great on bathtubs. and even stainless steel. try new clean freak from mr. clean. ...used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. like the back of a bodyguard. for ages 2 and up. eucrisa works at... ...and below the surface of the skin. it blocks overactive pde4 enzymes... ...which is believed to reduce inflammation. and it's steroid-free. do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. allergic reactions may occur at or near the application site. the most common side effect is application site pain. ask your doctor about eucrisa. we're going all in thion strawberries.ra, at their reddest, ripest, they make everything better. like our strawberry poppyseed salad and new strawberry summer caprese salad. order online for deli
back to you, stephen. >> stephen: thanks, steve! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with governor chris christie! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) messes with sprays. tough try new clean freak! it has three times the cleaning power to dissolve kitchen grease on contact. it works great on bathtubs. and even stainless steel. try new clean freak from mr. clean. ...used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. like the back of a bodyguard. for ages 2 and up. eucrisa...
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May 9, 2019
05/19
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. >> stephen: okay. you know, i spend so much time, over in the monologue, carving up all the choicest cuts of news beef, sometimes i like to collect all the cattle sinews, dry them out in the sun, and use it to string the tennis racket of news that is my segment: ( cheers and applause ) snefer fails! everyone loves meanwhile. meanwhile uber drivers across the country went on strike this morning. theymaing be p ssengers who are willing to say, "oh, you play bass in a band? tell me more!" meanwhile, this week in norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone into the ocean. then a beluga whale retrieved it for them! that's amazing. that's amazing. now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a beluga whale in every toilet. tsome believe this, this beluga whale right here, some believe this whale is the same beluga found in norway last week with camera straps on it, which identified the whale as being trained by the russian government as a russian spy whale, which i reported on in my "meanwhile!" sub-
. >> stephen: okay. you know, i spend so much time, over in the monologue, carving up all the choicest cuts of news beef, sometimes i like to collect all the cattle sinews, dry them out in the sun, and use it to string the tennis racket of news that is my segment: ( cheers and applause ) snefer fails! everyone loves meanwhile. meanwhile uber drivers across the country went on strike this morning. theymaing be p ssengers who are willing to say, "oh, you play bass in a band? tell me...
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Dec 31, 2019
12/19
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>> stephen: to president? >> yeah. >> stephen: recently in the united states it is the pathway to high office, is first have a television show and then straight to president. >> okay. >> stephen: i want to talk to you about the aftermath of the christchurch shootings. >> mmm... >> stephen: you immediately passed gun reform banning all military-style assault rifles. that was inspiring to those of us who live in the united states who deal with gun violence. how did you do it? and i'm asking, you know, for 350 million friends of mine. >> well, you know, we're pragmatists in new zealand and, so, when it was described to me the weapons that were used and how easily they were obtained, my immediate reaction was that can't stand, it has to change. and, so, you know, i needed the votes of three political parties to be able to do it, but i don't think i would even need to ask them if they thought the same thing. so i just went out there and said "our laws will change" and, in the end, every single member of parliament
>> stephen: to president? >> yeah. >> stephen: recently in the united states it is the pathway to high office, is first have a television show and then straight to president. >> okay. >> stephen: i want to talk to you about the aftermath of the christchurch shootings. >> mmm... >> stephen: you immediately passed gun reform banning all military-style assault rifles. that was inspiring to those of us who live in the united states who deal with gun...
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Aug 7, 2019
08/19
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>> the wall >> the whoa >> stephen: what's the whoa? >> come on, stephen! >> i'll toss it up to you >> the whoa. toss it >> ready? >> we have a lot of different ones. ♪ ♪ >> i know that one. it's like... >> yeah, you have to, like... >> stephen: what do i do? >> give me a long one >> toss, toss it >> hey! >> hey! >> here, toss it up! toss it up! >> stephen: hit me. hit me >> yay! >> that was so good! that was so good! >> whoa! >> toss it up! toss it up! >> i dropped it. hang on. >> toss me one. toss me one. ♪ ♪ >> hey! ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm open. >> okay. ( laughter ) >> medic! medic! >> stephen: "good boys" is in theaters august 16. brady noon, jacob tremblay, and keith l. williams, everybody! we'l be right back. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tiffany haddish, jared harris, and musical guest, the smashing pumpkins. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ fe
>> the wall >> the whoa >> stephen: what's the whoa? >> come on, stephen! >> i'll toss it up to you >> the whoa. toss it >> ready? >> we have a lot of different ones. ♪ ♪ >> i know that one. it's like... >> yeah, you have to, like... >> stephen: what do i do? >> give me a long one >> toss, toss it >> hey! >> hey! >> here, toss it up! toss it up! >> stephen: hit me. hit me >> yay!...
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Apr 23, 2019
04/19
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>> stephen: wow! wow! gene roddenberry would be proud! please, everybody, have a seat! thank you so much. please, sit, sit, sit! you're very kind, everybody. welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. you know how-- ( cheers and applause ) you know how we're all worried about the national debt, or, the deficit-- i don't know which one of those is which, but you know, they're both bad, you know... kind of like eric and don jr. i'm not sure. ( laughter ) well, guess what? you can stop worrying! because last night, president trump tweeted, "while the press doesn't like writing about it, nor do i need them to, i donate my yearly presidential salary of $400,000 to different agencies throughout the year. this is to homeland security. if i didn't do it, there would be hell to pay from the fake news media!" ( laughter ) you can't say you don't care if anybody knows about it, and at the same time announce it to the world on twitter! that's like naming a building, "the anonymously
>> stephen: wow! wow! gene roddenberry would be proud! please, everybody, have a seat! thank you so much. please, sit, sit, sit! you're very kind, everybody. welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. you know how-- ( cheers and applause ) you know how we're all worried about the national debt, or, the deficit-- i don't know which one of those is which, but you know, they're both bad, you know... kind of like eric and don jr. i'm not sure. (...
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Jun 22, 2019
06/19
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. >> stephen: did you get the part? >> no! >> stephen: i don't know! >> i mean how -- >> stephen: it's possible. >> when you look across the room and see the director nodding off, you basically are just thinking, "i've got to get out of here. he hates me. i'm so boring. this is so dull." >> stephen: maybe he finds you very soothing. >> well... >> stephen: be positive about it. >> yeah, right, well, it didn't go well. >> stephen: one exciting thing i just learned about you is that you're going to be in the prequel to "game of thrones," which takes place, i understand, thousands of years before the present series just ended? is that true? do you know? ( laughter ) how about this: you can't answer, right? >> that's right, yeah. this is my poker face. >> stephen: do you know whether what i said is true? i'm not asking you to say whether it's true or in the. >> i do. i do know. but i won't let on. >> stephen: it takes place in valorria, right? that's what it is. i can tell. >> you can say anything. you can try. you can try. >> stephen: really, you can say a
. >> stephen: did you get the part? >> no! >> stephen: i don't know! >> i mean how -- >> stephen: it's possible. >> when you look across the room and see the director nodding off, you basically are just thinking, "i've got to get out of here. he hates me. i'm so boring. this is so dull." >> stephen: maybe he finds you very soothing. >> well... >> stephen: be positive about it. >> yeah, right, well, it didn't go well. >>...
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May 11, 2019
05/19
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>> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: bees! bees! hey, everybody! hey, up there. down here. nice, nice, very nice. delightful. thanks, everybody! thanks, ladies and gentlemen, welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is-- ( applause ) ♪ ♪ you know what that is, jon? that is a certified friday audience right there. >> jon: that's right. they're ready. >> stephen: it's electric. it's electric. you can't fake that. it's also day three of what nancy pelosi has called a constitutional crisis, and what we're calling "obstruction junction: our democracy doesn't function." this week-- thank you, jon.ou, i got you. >> stephen: every day we'll pump it up a little. this week has been all about trump resisting any congressional oversight. of any kind. he refused to let former white house counsel don mcgahn turn over documents, he claimed executive privilege over the entire mueller report, and his treasury department refused to give up his tax returns. i can hardly wait for his next address to congress. ( as trump ) my fel
>> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: bees! bees! hey, everybody! hey, up there. down here. nice, nice, very nice. delightful. thanks, everybody! thanks, ladies and gentlemen, welcome, one and all, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is-- ( applause ) ♪ ♪ you know what that is, jon? that is a certified friday audience right there. >> jon: that's right. they're ready. >> stephen: it's electric. it's...
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May 24, 2019
05/19
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>> stephen: fantastic. jon, you know why these people are excited, this is my guess, obviously, they're happy to see you. i tell you why, they know we have a very special appearance with mr. conan o'brien coming up in a while. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: the mighty conan! >> stephen: folks, since trump's taken office, his cabinet has had historic amounts of turnover. historic amounts of turnover? also his favorite breakfast. ( piano riff ) thank you. ( laughter ) now there are rumors that "energy secretary rick perry may be planning on stepping down." ( cheers and applause ) that comes as a shock. it completely shocks me that he is secretary of energy because i forgot. i completely forgot he was in trump's quab net. he's been in there since the begin bug you never hear boo about him. i needed to know why secretary perry has been suspiciously quiet, so i launched an investigation with my long-running series: "stephen colbert's unseen mysteries of the hidden secrets." ( laughter ) ( cheering ) yeah, peopl
>> stephen: fantastic. jon, you know why these people are excited, this is my guess, obviously, they're happy to see you. i tell you why, they know we have a very special appearance with mr. conan o'brien coming up in a while. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: the mighty conan! >> stephen: folks, since trump's taken office, his cabinet has had historic amounts of turnover. historic amounts of turnover? also his favorite breakfast. ( piano riff ) thank you. ( laughter ) now there...
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Feb 27, 2019
02/19
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hi, stephen. hi, stephen. hi, nice to meet you. this is a comedy show. obviously, you guys were told that this is a comedy show? good. good. set, hut! >> that's got to be, like, the worst. >> okay. >> 18. >> stephen: what the ( bleep ). i don't think dustin's given me a fair shake. i mean... i'm a 54-year-old man. i mean, the doctor said i'd never be able to comb my hair again. ( laughter ) it's like he doesn't even see how i'm trying. please don't use this. promise me. >> stephen (narrating): back on the field, because it's time for speed. >> stephen: okay, when you're ready to go, just say, just yell "juice it." >> "juice it." you got it. >> stephen: i'm just trying to determine which knee i want to pop first. ( laughter ) >> juice it! ( cheers and applause ) >> look at that. >> stephen: wooooo! >> stephen (narrating): then my juke move. >> stephen: i'll juke you! watch out! watch out! woo! woo! here we go! woo! >> stephen (narrating): and, finally, trucking. >> i'm going to need you to knock over one of these big fellows, and you stay on your feet and
♪ ♪ >> stephen: hi, stephen. hi, stephen. hi, nice to meet you. this is a comedy show. obviously, you guys were told that this is a comedy show? good. good. set, hut! >> that's got to be, like, the worst. >> okay. >> 18. >> stephen: what the ( bleep ). i don't think dustin's given me a fair shake. i mean... i'm a 54-year-old man. i mean, the doctor said i'd never be able to comb my hair again. ( laughter ) it's like he doesn't even see how i'm trying. please...
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Jul 30, 2019
07/19
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you do it a little bit, too, stephen. >> stephen: what? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: i was. you got it. >> stephen: there was another film you're in that everybody is obsessed with right now, and it's cats. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you play -- what's the name of your character? >> mccavity. >> stephen: mccavity. and we have a picture here, the internet is all abuzz with a trailer which came out last week, and here you are as mccavity. >> see me? >> stephen: right there. hey! ( meowed ) >> stephen: is there any prosthetic work involved? >> the fur coat is real, the hat is real. the ears aren't real, the eyes are real. i had to wear these incredible contacts. the rest is the wonderful magic of moviemaking. can i tell you, though, when i was working the hobbs & shaw, just after that i went to work with cats. i was working with dwayne and jason and as soon as they found out i was working on cats, this was their favorite thing to do when i'm walking on set. we were doing a fight scene, i was looking all bravado. and they'd say, hey,
you do it a little bit, too, stephen. >> stephen: what? ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: i was. you got it. >> stephen: there was another film you're in that everybody is obsessed with right now, and it's cats. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you play -- what's the name of your character? >> mccavity. >> stephen: mccavity. and we have a picture here, the internet is all abuzz with a trailer which came out last week, and here you are as mccavity....
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Feb 15, 2019
02/19
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>> taylor. >> stephen: and? david. >> stephen: what? david. >> stephen: taylor and david. yes. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: you raised your hands before i got to the end of my question. are you guys a couple? >> we are. >> stephen: good. i don't have to get somebody else. that's nice. ( laughter ) are you twice from new york? >> no, st. pete, florida. >> stephen: okay. ( applause ) and what are you doing in the city? >> we're just -- we kind of came for -- our anniversary is tomorrow. >> stephen: your anniversary is the day after valentine's day. >> yeah. ou think he planned that? i might have. it just kind of worked out that way. >> stephen: have you ever seen "first drafts" on the show? >> no. hm-um. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we do it a lot. we do it a lot. never seen it. ( laughter ) what are your favorite things we do on the show? ( laughter ) >> your monologues are great. >> stephen: oh, okay. anything i do the other guys don't do? >> the band is good. >> stephen: the band's good. i'm not in the band. ( laughter ) couldn't get
>> taylor. >> stephen: and? david. >> stephen: what? david. >> stephen: taylor and david. yes. >> stephen: thank you so much for joining me. >> thank you. >> stephen: you raised your hands before i got to the end of my question. are you guys a couple? >> we are. >> stephen: good. i don't have to get somebody else. that's nice. ( laughter ) are you twice from new york? >> no, st. pete, florida. >> stephen: okay. ( applause ) and...
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Nov 28, 2019
11/19
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>> stephen: yes. it's not-- because if you end up having a juicy turkey in the photograph, that's fake juice. ( laughter ) >> so just lie. be nice to them because they did their best. >> stephen: just say, "oh, jose andres couldn't have done this better." >> i called him on the phone. he gave me the recipe personally. but it's all a big lie, people, and you know it. but that's fine. that's what family is here for. >> stephen: yes, lie with love. >> stephen: we have to take a little bit of a break but stick around because we're going to have a cooking demo with jose andres. he'll tell you what to do with your thanksgiving leftovers. we'll be right back. oh, come on. flo: don't worry. you're covered. (dramatic music) and you're saving money, because you bundled home and auto. sarah, get in the house. we're all here for you. all: all day, all night. (dramatic music) great job speaking calmly and clearly everyone. that's how you put a customer at ease. hey, did anyone else hear weird voices while they wer
>> stephen: yes. it's not-- because if you end up having a juicy turkey in the photograph, that's fake juice. ( laughter ) >> so just lie. be nice to them because they did their best. >> stephen: just say, "oh, jose andres couldn't have done this better." >> i called him on the phone. he gave me the recipe personally. but it's all a big lie, people, and you know it. but that's fine. that's what family is here for. >> stephen: yes, lie with love. >>...
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Jul 4, 2019
07/19
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>> audience: stephen, stephen! >> stephen: whoo! got to get these people on the straight and narrow here, back on the path. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please! ( cheers and applause ) nice. that's nice. hello, all. hello, all. please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much for being here. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is the-- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) today is a solemn day. it's the anniversary of d-day, when we beat the nazis, once and for-- until very recently. ( laughter ) pretty good run, you've got to president trump was in normandy to commemorate the occasion, and he gave a speech that was, by all accounts-- and i hope i'm pronouncing this correctly-- presidential? ( laughter ) haven't seen that word in a while. that all came to a screeching halt once he wasn't reading somebody else's words. for instance, trump sat down with french president, and man saying ( french accent ) "here is the church, here is the steeple!" emmanuel macron. ( laughter ) trump
>> audience: stephen, stephen! >> stephen: whoo! got to get these people on the straight and narrow here, back on the path. ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please! ( cheers and applause ) nice. that's nice. hello, all. hello, all. please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much for being here. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is the-- ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) today is a solemn day. it's the anniversary of...
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Sep 21, 2019
09/19
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>> stephen: hey. >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey! >> jon: oh. >> stephen: he said he didn't want to grow up. ( laughter ) my staff and i had a debate about whether i should do that joke. ( laughter ) i'm not sure who just won. ( laughter ) meanwhile, meanwhile, jon! >> jon: meanwhile! >> stephen: brace yourselves because there's some important potato developments. according to scientists, right now all over the world, potatoes have a form of depression. you can tell they're depressed because they're always getting baked. ( laughter ) this potato depression is caused by generations of inbreeding. inbreeding, of course, can result in stunted growth, shorter lifespans, and eric. ( laughter ) meanwhile, a koala named rogue is known as the world's sexiest coall abecoming a viral sensation, and here's why: hello! ( laughter ) that is-- that is some sweet marsupial. tear me off a piece of that g'day. the name's rogue. what do you say we visit the land downunder? meanwhile, archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of inmortality in a 2,000-ye
>> stephen: hey. >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey! >> jon: oh. >> stephen: he said he didn't want to grow up. ( laughter ) my staff and i had a debate about whether i should do that joke. ( laughter ) i'm not sure who just won. ( laughter ) meanwhile, meanwhile, jon! >> jon: meanwhile! >> stephen: brace yourselves because there's some important potato developments. according to scientists, right now all over the world, potatoes have a form of depression....
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Nov 23, 2019
11/19
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the other side, stephen. >> stephen: let's go. okay. >> that's the one. >> stephen, we're ready when you are. >> stephen: am i there? >> little bit further, please, stephen. nearly there. that's awesome. hands off of this one. eyes up on the bridge. >> five, four, three, two, one. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. that really looks like i jumped off a bridge. that was actually my showrunner, chris. he really wanted me to jump, but i really was not interested, so i made him spray paint his hair, dress up like me, and jump instead. yeah, to hell with that. ( laughter ) instead, choppy and i flew out to the southern alps and up and over the richardson mountains. i said up and over! okay, this is way closer than i want to be. is there somewhere in this helicopter i could change my underwear? ( laughter ) >> so these are all glaciers. >> stephen: there are very few places in the world where you can still see this many glaciers, let alone land on one. so choppy set us down for a once-in-a-lifetime experience. choppy, thank you fo
the other side, stephen. >> stephen: let's go. okay. >> that's the one. >> stephen, we're ready when you are. >> stephen: am i there? >> little bit further, please, stephen. nearly there. that's awesome. hands off of this one. eyes up on the bridge. >> five, four, three, two, one. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. that really looks like i jumped off a bridge. that was actually my showrunner, chris. he really wanted me to jump, but i really was...
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Jan 9, 2019
01/19
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>> okay, now, stephen -- >> stephen: because that's what happens, man. i've seen the movies. >> the worst thing is where you say, this isn't so bad. you're in the english channel, here's england, france. but once you're in the middle. the captain gets on the phone and says we'll be passing through this part of the atlantic. iceland is 700 miles to the north and to our south -- nothing. it's a huge, huge expanse. >> stephen: it must be amazing out there. >> yeah, you can see the milky way. i was so thankful and grateful to be able to do it. there's a golf similar later. someone said you could play golf and i said, how big is this ship? and we took dance lessons. >> stephen: hard to dance on a ship. >> it's a little hard. >> stephen: a little tippy? it's a ship. and no matter how big a ship, is it's still a boat, so you're going to be rocking back and forth. there's people every day, you're just walk -- how you do? good day. good day to you. lunch should be good. yeah. did you guys see the lecture on the titanic? oooh, scary. ( cheers and applause ) and my
>> okay, now, stephen -- >> stephen: because that's what happens, man. i've seen the movies. >> the worst thing is where you say, this isn't so bad. you're in the english channel, here's england, france. but once you're in the middle. the captain gets on the phone and says we'll be passing through this part of the atlantic. iceland is 700 miles to the north and to our south -- nothing. it's a huge, huge expanse. >> stephen: it must be amazing out there. >> yeah,...
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Oct 24, 2019
10/19
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was. >> stephen: i suppose so. >> yeah. >> stephen: you still are. >> i think in my heart. >> stephen: yes, exactly. now you have your own show "i'm sorry," which i understand is actually-- certainly the first season was just all real stories from your life, the life of you and your husband. >> yeah, it's definitely based, a lot of the stories, especially season one and two. and then other writers and i we tried to base it on reality of, you know, kids and parents and aging parents and that kind of stuff. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i recently actually found out something-- you know you've been together with your wife for how long? >> stephen: 26 years. >> okay, very long time. that's amazing ( applause ). >> stephen: doesn't seem like it. doesn't seem like it, darling. ( laughter ) >> barf. >> stephen: that's how you keep it fresh. that's how you keep it fresh. >> that's how you keep it fresh, lookinlooking into the camera ad patronizing kissing your wife? all right, okay. that's cute. that's cute. that was cute. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> i found out something recently-- after y
was. >> stephen: i suppose so. >> yeah. >> stephen: you still are. >> i think in my heart. >> stephen: yes, exactly. now you have your own show "i'm sorry," which i understand is actually-- certainly the first season was just all real stories from your life, the life of you and your husband. >> yeah, it's definitely based, a lot of the stories, especially season one and two. and then other writers and i we tried to base it on reality of, you know,...
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Apr 2, 2019
04/19
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trap. >> stephen: trap? fab. very fab. >> stephen: chocolate hummus? drab, drab, drab, drab, makes me uncomfortable. >> stephen: splitting the check on a first date. >> oooh! if you want to make sure you never have a second date with me and certainly never see me topless, honey, you don't split the check. not going to happen again, honey, no, no, no, no, no. how are we build a life together if you don't buy dinner? ( laughter ) >> stephen: cat cafes. if the cats are treated well, fab. >> stephen: email thank you notes. >> oooh. drab. sometimes it's the only way to do it. >> so much extra. the present was enough, wasn't it? do we have to go back and forth with all the niceties? aren't we busy? >> stephen: fake plans. drab, drab. if they are done right and you don't have enough sunlight -- >> stephen: fab. put me fab. there are low light plants that exist and they need love, too, but not fiddle figures. >> stephen: talking to your seatmate on a flight. >> drab. so drab. stop. that's a note to everyone. >> inside voice if you're using this voice. >> no, a
trap. >> stephen: trap? fab. very fab. >> stephen: chocolate hummus? drab, drab, drab, drab, makes me uncomfortable. >> stephen: splitting the check on a first date. >> oooh! if you want to make sure you never have a second date with me and certainly never see me topless, honey, you don't split the check. not going to happen again, honey, no, no, no, no, no. how are we build a life together if you don't buy dinner? ( laughter ) >> stephen: cat cafes. if the cats...
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Nov 16, 2019
11/19
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stephen: "heeey... thanks." okay, let's see. the show is a phenomenon, as i said before. when did you know it was going to be big? did you have a hint? >> no. i had the opposite of a hint. i had-- i was sure it was going to be a complete disaster and a big failure. because before it came out eye mean, i remember when we were h terna it was going to perfornc i thought that was, like, tanking the whole show. and before it came out, you know, you normally see things on buss-- i live in new york. i'm wandering around-- buses, phone booths. there are ads for miew shows. not a single ad. three weeks before the show-- a week before the show, and i was doing a play with a friend of mine who is on a very successful television program. and i said to him, i was like, "no ads. no ads. i guess they're doing some kind of new campaign?" and he said, "no, they're burying the show." and i said, "what does that mean 'burring the show'? i don't understand your television lingo." he show. they're trying to make sure no one
stephen: "heeey... thanks." okay, let's see. the show is a phenomenon, as i said before. when did you know it was going to be big? did you have a hint? >> no. i had the opposite of a hint. i had-- i was sure it was going to be a complete disaster and a big failure. because before it came out eye mean, i remember when we were h terna it was going to perfornc i thought that was, like, tanking the whole show. and before it came out, you know, you normally see things on buss-- i...
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Jan 5, 2019
01/19
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>> stephen: yes. >> okay. >> stephen: your clothes. >> not my mood? >> stephen: no. >> that can be several. on a press day-- well, today i've changed my clothes a number of times. but normally, i just get dressed the once. ( laughter ) >> stephenyou get it right first thing in the morning? >> or wrong, but i stick with it. >> stephen: all right, that's good. good for you, stick to your guns. as i was saying before, you're one of the biggest movie stars in the world, but you seem perfectly relaxed and approachable. maybe that's why you're one of the biggest movie stars in the world, is that you seem like very sort of laid back and easy going. how do you stay relaxed when-- >> um... well, i don't-- in day- to-day life, nobody really talks about movie star-ness. >> stephen: really? >> i think that's relaxing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no one's saying, "hey, good morning. you want a cup of coffee? you're a huge movie star, by the way." ( laughter ) but certainly when you're out in the public, people must go, "look, that's julia roberts." >> people say hell
>> stephen: yes. >> okay. >> stephen: your clothes. >> not my mood? >> stephen: no. >> that can be several. on a press day-- well, today i've changed my clothes a number of times. but normally, i just get dressed the once. ( laughter ) >> stephenyou get it right first thing in the morning? >> or wrong, but i stick with it. >> stephen: all right, that's good. good for you, stick to your guns. as i was saying before, you're one of the biggest...
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Oct 17, 2019
10/19
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. >> stephen: smart. they found trump's greatest weakness: umbrella. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so-- so-- >> jon: he can't deal with that. >> stephen: so, why is this the thing? well, long-time viewers of america know that last week a mysterious whistleblower accused trump of making a troubling promise to an unnamed foreign leader. then, friday, it was reported that trump tried to extort ukraine into a political probe of joe biden and his son. no wonder pelosi's launching an impeachment investigation. this makes watergate look like nixon tried to pass an expired coupon at the kroger. ( as nixon ) "i had no idea that these yogurt coupons-- i had no idea that these yogurt coupons were no longer valid. and, furthermore, i believe that when the president redeems it, a coupon is never expired. ( laughter ) fruit on the bottom." but for the details-- ( cheers and applause ) a little carrot-- carrot in the throat. for the details, let's go to our brand-new, ongoing segment: wherhe worlds donacolludwith wh? oh, no
. >> stephen: smart. they found trump's greatest weakness: umbrella. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so-- so-- >> jon: he can't deal with that. >> stephen: so, why is this the thing? well, long-time viewers of america know that last week a mysterious whistleblower accused trump of making a troubling promise to an unnamed foreign leader. then, friday, it was reported that trump tried to extort ukraine into a political probe of joe biden and his son. no wonder pelosi's launching an...
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Feb 26, 2019
02/19
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. >> stephen: i'll take it, i'll take it. >> great to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: governor, good to see you. the book is "let me finish," it's available now. governor chris christie. we'll be right back with comedian, actress yvette nicole brown! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) oneeeee... did you try this one? feel this one. it's amazing! twooooo... it's nice. but it's kinda pricey. hi. hi. you can't skimp on a decision this important. a mattress is where you'll spend over half your life and eat all your meals. but it's all good. just use pay it plan it. pay it plan it is a payment feature from american express. choose a monthly plan to split up large purchases over time with no interest and a fixed fee. need me to help you carry this to your car or... the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. breathe right strips are designed to simply when nighttime nasal congestion closes in, open your nose right back up. ♪ breathe better. sleep better. breathe right. well, what if i... drove me home? [♪] what if we lost track of time? [♪] what if we
. >> stephen: i'll take it, i'll take it. >> great to be with you, stephen. >> stephen: governor, good to see you. the book is "let me finish," it's available now. governor chris christie. we'll be right back with comedian, actress yvette nicole brown! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) oneeeee... did you try this one? feel this one. it's amazing! twooooo... it's nice. but it's kinda pricey. hi. hi. you can't skimp on a decision this important. a mattress is...
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Mar 19, 2019
03/19
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>> stephen: no. also, it's not pronounced hee-jab, you ross-ist. ( laughter ) did i mispronounce that? did i mispronounce that? did i pronounce that correctly? ( laughter ) in a statement, fox news condemned the judge, saying, ms. pirro's remarks "do not reflect those of the network." adding, "we reminded her, we're doing mexicans this week." ( laughter ) but fox news did pull her show on saturday, and trump was not pleased: "bring back @judgejeanine pirro. the radical left democrats, working closely with their beloved partner, the fake news media, is using every trick in the book to silence a majority of our country. they have all out campaigns against @foxnews hosts who are doing too well." yes, the radical left and the mainstream media hatched a devious plot to make jeanine pirro sound like a bigot. here's how they did it: they pointed a camera at her. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: just as simple as that. >> stephen: trump wasn't just disappointed by fox. he was mad at all the chann
>> stephen: no. also, it's not pronounced hee-jab, you ross-ist. ( laughter ) did i mispronounce that? did i mispronounce that? did i pronounce that correctly? ( laughter ) in a statement, fox news condemned the judge, saying, ms. pirro's remarks "do not reflect those of the network." adding, "we reminded her, we're doing mexicans this week." ( laughter ) but fox news did pull her show on saturday, and trump was not pleased: "bring back @judgejeanine pirro. the...
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Aug 2, 2019
08/19
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. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. stephen welcomes meek mill! and nicholas braun, with a special appearance by democratic debate all-stars featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey there. (applause). >> stephen: welcome, everybody, thanks so much, up here, down there. welcome. one and all, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages. to the late show, i'm your host stephen wol better. and we are live, not tonight. we were live the last two nights. following the democratic debate. here live shows, ton of fun, a lot of energy. but we are doing the show, about the thing that just happened, minutes before, we don't have time for a lot of complex analysis of what you have just seen it is really just hot takes, okay. but now with some reflection, after 4 to 48 hours to digest what happened, i can confidently say what happened? (laughter) i mean also-- (applause) also, also why happened? i mean it is 20 people. and if i am gene
. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. stephen welcomes meek mill! and nicholas braun, with a special appearance by democratic debate all-stars featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey there. (applause). >> stephen: welcome, everybody, thanks so much, up here, down there. welcome. one and all, ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages. to the...
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Feb 21, 2019
02/19
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>> stephen: it is. we didn't realize how huge it was until just now. >> till you toll me. >> stephen: what was that day like? >> it was nice because i didn't have to do anything except show up. i ate and got to visit with everybody. >> stephen: that's one of the nice things about the kennedy center honors is you just get honored. >> that's it. >> stephen: you couldn't say anything if you wanted to. you have to sit there and take the love. >> and i loved it. it was great. >> stephen: one of the things-- you know, when i introduced you here i said, "queen of country," reba mcentire. and it's true. the thing about you, you are the most country person i know in entertainment who sawls purely a cross-over artist. everybody loveses can mack. >> well, that's nice to hear. >> stephen: maybe because of your series. maybe because you had a hit tv show for years. everybody knows you. >> there are so many people who will walk up to me at a "meet and greet" line at my concert and they'll have their children with the
>> stephen: it is. we didn't realize how huge it was until just now. >> till you toll me. >> stephen: what was that day like? >> it was nice because i didn't have to do anything except show up. i ate and got to visit with everybody. >> stephen: that's one of the nice things about the kennedy center honors is you just get honored. >> that's it. >> stephen: you couldn't say anything if you wanted to. you have to sit there and take the love. >> and i...
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Jan 11, 2019
01/19
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>> stephen: did you not know? no, i didn't check. >> stephen: really? i go through all my twitter followers every day to make sure i like all of them, all 18.3 million of them. >> you have 18.3 billion? >> stephen: i. do boom! excuse me. you have a writers room. boom! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: speaking of technology, the new series you're on is "valley of the boom," and what's it about? >> it is about the browser wars. it's about netscape. it is the -- >> stephen: the '90s. yeah, it's in the '90s. it's the origin story of this digital sea that we're all fish swimming in, this thing that's reached into our brains and more importantly our children's brains and rearranged the way the neurons fire, and it wants fascinating to see how it all began. it's interesting because -- my brother is here, actually, i haven't said hi to him yet. hi, brother! but we have grandmother who used to be very upset about telephones because nobody wrote letters anymore, and automobiles screwed up towns and communities. it's all relative. i guarantee you, when they pri
>> stephen: did you not know? no, i didn't check. >> stephen: really? i go through all my twitter followers every day to make sure i like all of them, all 18.3 million of them. >> you have 18.3 billion? >> stephen: i. do boom! excuse me. you have a writers room. boom! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: speaking of technology, the new series you're on is "valley of the boom," and what's it about? >> it is about the browser wars. it's about netscape....
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Mar 1, 2019
03/19
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hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, matthew? >> where do you think we go when we die? >> stephen: us? celebrity heaven. ( laughter ) it's like regular heaven, but there's gift baskets. ( laughter ) hey, matt? >> yeah, steve? >> stephen: do you think god cares who wins the super bowl? >> no. and if he did, then the saints would have won. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that ref is going to hell. ( laughter ) >> check out george jetson. >> stephen: oh, beautiful. hey, mr. mcconaughey? >> what's up, dr. colbert? >> stephen: do you think time is subjective? >> like, for example, do i think i get older, but high school girls stay the same age? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. >> nah, sounds creepy. >> stephen: hey, matty mc-c.? >> yo, stevie col-b.? >> stephen: how do we know if we've made the right choices in life? >> that's a good one. you know, i say human potential is like an empty road at night. you don't know if you're on the right path until you drive down it a bit. >> stephen: that's deep. >> it's actually a line from my next lincoln commercial. ( laughter ) ( applause ) what w
hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, matthew? >> where do you think we go when we die? >> stephen: us? celebrity heaven. ( laughter ) it's like regular heaven, but there's gift baskets. ( laughter ) hey, matt? >> yeah, steve? >> stephen: do you think god cares who wins the super bowl? >> no. and if he did, then the saints would have won. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that ref is going to hell. ( laughter ) >> check out george jetson. >>...
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Nov 5, 2019
11/19
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. >> stephen: ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: something worked. i feel very excited about this. >> i brought you a present. >> stephen: brought me a cowboy hat right here. ( cheers and applause ) am i bearing that low enough? >> yeah, it's just right, man. you can make a record now. there you go. it's a little small. >> stephen: it is a little small. i've got a larger head than you. >> well, you've had a lot more success. >> stephen: i have not sold 50 million albums -- yet. i don't think these go with it. i don't think the glasses go with it. >> take the glasses off. now you're cool. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well you know who we call this man over here, we call him the jazz cowboy. >> right on, man. he's fantastic. >> stephen: yeah. that whole band is fantastic. are you kid meg? killer. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you have been part of country music, i'm guessing your whole life, but you hit the scene in 1992. when were you first exposed? i assume you growing up in louisiana you heard frit an early age. >> my mom worked at sort
. >> stephen: ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: something worked. i feel very excited about this. >> i brought you a present. >> stephen: brought me a cowboy hat right here. ( cheers and applause ) am i bearing that low enough? >> yeah, it's just right, man. you can make a record now. there you go. it's a little small. >> stephen: it is a little small. i've got a larger head than you. >> well, you've had a lot more success. >> stephen: i...
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Mar 21, 2019
03/19
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. >> stephen: on amc. you'll be starring with it. >> i won't be starring in it but showtime allowed me to be in it a little bit. i will be on three times. >> stephen: it's on showtime? >> no amc. >> stephen: oh, showtime will let you out, take you off the leash. you're a free-range giamatti. >> spread my spore all over the place. >> stephen: fantastic. >> absolutely. just lay my spore. >> stephen: as executive producer, did you have to clear casting you with anybody? or do you just have to go like, "do you know who would be great for this? paul giamatti." >> that's pretty much what happened. >> he will be absolutely perfect. >> exactly. >> stephen: do you have a part fair klingon in thissening thing? >> exactly. that's pretty much what happened. so they had to say yes. i'm going to do a little thing in that. >> stephen: good luck. >> thanks a lot. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: "billions" airs sundays on showtime. paul giamatti, everybody! we'll be right back with senator d
. >> stephen: on amc. you'll be starring with it. >> i won't be starring in it but showtime allowed me to be in it a little bit. i will be on three times. >> stephen: it's on showtime? >> no amc. >> stephen: oh, showtime will let you out, take you off the leash. you're a free-range giamatti. >> spread my spore all over the place. >> stephen: fantastic. >> absolutely. just lay my spore. >> stephen: as executive producer, did you have to clear...
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Jun 4, 2019
06/19
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>> stephen: how are you? great. how are you? >> stephen: great. my first night after a lovely vacation. >> did you go anywhere from? >> stephen: south carolina, where i'm from. >> i just did a show down there, nice people. >> stephen: yeah, i married a girl from there, so we don't have to debate on where we go. >> pretty much. >> stephen: you don't need to get into a fight with your loved one on where you're supposed to go when you get time off. how do you let it all go? >> it's like in your situation, i married a woman from france, so we go to france. ( laughter ) >> stephen: hard to pop over there for a weekend, though. >> we don't do the weekend there. that's a lot of miles. during the summer, we go over there. and i really love going over there because that's where i can unwind. no one knows me so i can just sit and people watch. i love doing that. i can't people watch here. >> stephen: do you go to paris or some other town? >> we bounce around. we start in paris. the thing is, now, when i'm over there, and as soon as they hear the american ac
>> stephen: how are you? great. how are you? >> stephen: great. my first night after a lovely vacation. >> did you go anywhere from? >> stephen: south carolina, where i'm from. >> i just did a show down there, nice people. >> stephen: yeah, i married a girl from there, so we don't have to debate on where we go. >> pretty much. >> stephen: you don't need to get into a fight with your loved one on where you're supposed to go when you get time off....
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Jan 30, 2019
01/19
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, stephen. this is the joke. i ran, i understand that-- from campaigning that he was going to win the nomination. an south carolina was over, a state you're familiar with. so he loses iowa by a whisker to cruz. he wins new hampshire two to one. and then he wins south carolina by double digits. it's over. i mean, forget it. everybody else should have gone home then. it was over. so then it was going to be abin. it was going to be either donald trump or hillary clinton. so he was the republican who was going to give tax cuts, who was going to deregulate, and put more conservative justices on the court they prefer and was going to, i think, negotiate better trade deals. and i think he has done that with mexico and canada, and not so much with some of the other folks, yet. so on the policy side of it, i like much of what he's done. and the things i disagree with, i say i disagree with him. >> stephen: do you still think he really is-- he is the republican party now. the republicans are 100% behind h
, stephen. this is the joke. i ran, i understand that-- from campaigning that he was going to win the nomination. an south carolina was over, a state you're familiar with. so he loses iowa by a whisker to cruz. he wins new hampshire two to one. and then he wins south carolina by double digits. it's over. i mean, forget it. everybody else should have gone home then. it was over. so then it was going to be abin. it was going to be either donald trump or hillary clinton. so he was the republican...
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Apr 26, 2019
04/19
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>> stephen: what? >> i'm here. >> stephen: i'll walk it over. >> you walk it over. >> stephen: we should watch the game together. >> if you came by the studio, the guys would go crazy. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: i'm known as a big sport fan. ( laughter ) >> come by the studio. >> stephen: where is the studio? >> it's somewhere here in new york. i don't know exactly where it's at. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i've got plans. i'm sorry. now, here's the deal. we had our friend matthew mcconaughey over here, and he pumps up the team down at u.t., down in texas. we have a camera right here pointed at you. do you want to pump up your own? >> which one am i looking at? >> stephen: right there. >> okay, auburn! listen to me! when you were growing up as a little kid, you know the big programs. north carolina, duke, kansas, michigan state, u.c.l.a. we are auburn! we're a family. you get a chance to play against north carolina, one of the best colleges in the history of college basketball in march madnes
>> stephen: what? >> i'm here. >> stephen: i'll walk it over. >> you walk it over. >> stephen: we should watch the game together. >> if you came by the studio, the guys would go crazy. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: i'm known as a big sport fan. ( laughter ) >> come by the studio. >> stephen: where is the studio? >> it's somewhere here in new york. i don't know exactly where it's at. ( laughter ) >> stephen:...